The Secret Heart
by Noname-Sali
Summary: Quatre explains why Trowa is so much more than he seems. A character analysis of Trowa Barton. 3x4. Fluffy and tooth-achingly sweet.
**It's been a while since I've posted anything sappy. And I recently got bit by the 3x4 bug again. So here is a little analysis of Trowa Barton through the eyes of one Quatre Winner.**

The Secret Heart

Duo once told me he didn't know how I could stand being in a relationship with Trowa. _He's like a robot,_ he told me. _He's so closed off I even forget he can feel emotions. At least Wufei expresses himself. And Heero is probably too dedicated to his emotions._ I laughed at him.

Trowa is far more complex, far more interesting than any robot. More interesting than any person, in my opinion. There is something kind and precious in him that I saw within moments of meeting him. It was delicate and hidden, but it reached out to me, and when I felt it I knew he was someone special. I knew I needed to feel more.

Trowa has changed quite a bit since we first met at that tender age of fifteen, but that innate goodness has never left him, never faltered. I know because it has carried me through more sadness and grief than my own tender heart could suffer alone. But I couldn't blame Duo for being slow to find it. Trowa has spent a lifetime becoming a soldier and only a few years becoming a friend. And no matter how much he wants to embrace his emotions, to act on his heart, it is a process.

Being a mercenary is not an easy job for even the coldest of men, and Trowa was raised in an environment where life and death were entirely up to chance. Strong emotions got in the way of reason and put people at risk. His guardians had no place for them in their work. But how do you make a child no longer care that his only companions, the nearest connections he had, might not return one day? Well for Trowa the only answer was a mask. And he wore it faithfully. For a time he even admitted to not knowing it was there. The mask was everything. The mask was survival in a world that tried to kill him at every turn.

That never stopped Trowa from being kind, though. I'm always described as the kindest of the pilots, but I don't think that is possible. Not when Trowa jumped in between Heero and I during battle, nearly killing himself for my sake. And definitely not when he abandoned his home, the only thing he knew, to join a fight with people he couldn't remember. That is true kindness. And without it I would not be here today.

But I'm sure Duo wasn't implying that Trowa isn't good or kind with his comment. He meant that Trowa doesn't express himself, or share very openly with others. I have to disagree here as well. It is true that at first, even second, glance Trowa appears very remote, and almost blank. He has a way of being in a room without appearing at all connected to what is going on around him. Very isolated.

And surprising as it may seem, this isn't a tactic to better observe his surroundings, or analyze situations. It's loneliness, and forced separation. The wall Trowa put up between himself and his emotions also had the added bonus of separating him from others as well. He never allowed himself to form bonds. He was taught that he didn't need them, despite how much he wanted them. Trowa has been lonely a very long time. And he told me he still feels lonely, like he will never quite belong in the post-war world.

But he is becoming more open to others. Ever since Heero convinced him to accept his emotions, even welcome them, he has been trying. He will never be especially outspoken, or grand in his gestures, but the evidence is there. It's in the way he speaks softly when I'm overwhelmed. And the way he shrugs when Wufei asks why he pulled a punch that would have won him the match during their spar. It's clear when he lets Duo drive, because Trowa knows about his anxiety. And it's in the way he keeps Heero company when he's repairing something, not talking necessarily, but being present to keep Heero from falling too far inward. Trowa cares. And he cares deeply, having been deprived of the ability to do so for so long.

As for our relationship, Duo has no idea how wonderful it is to be with Trowa. My space heart is very sensitive. I'm often left breathless or weak during situations involving powerful emotions. Trowa has become my peace. He's the only person who knows exactly how to care for me when I become overwhelmed. He's the only one who can reach me when I feel like I'm drowning in others. We aren't exactly sure when or how it came to form, but a strange sort of connection has formed between us, which allows both Trowa and I to understand each other's emotions, even across great distances.

When Trowa first told me about how he could sense my distress during the war when he was on a colony and I was fighting in space I didn't believe him. It was too incredible, too good to be true. That there could be another like me, who felt connected to me in the same way I felt connected to him, it was amazing. It is still amazing.

Trowa's powers never developed further than our connection, he believes it is simply an effect of my strong feelings toward him, but I can't deny the part of me that believes Trowa could have been a powerful empath if only he had grown up in an environment that fostered his ability instead of stunting it.

As it is, Trowa and I complement each other. We've achieved a sort of balance, between his remote calm, which I often need to be able to step back from the whirlwind of emotions hammering my space heart, and my expressiveness, which he needs to ward off the loneliness and remind him to let go of the mask. Our relationship isn't perfect. We both came to the table with scars. Some days I am jaded, even bitter over the fickleness of human emotions. Some days Trowa doesn't want to let me behind the mask. But we've spent enough of our lives fighting to know what is worth fighting for. Neither of us could bear facing the new world we created without the other.

So I can understand how Duo might have come to his conclusion about Trowa, but I am positive that he could not be further from the truth. There is a wonderful, caring heart in Trowa that has been starved for so long and yet stayed miraculously strong. That he has seen so much war and death, and never once lost his kindness, is nothing short of incredible.

I could not respect or admire anyone more than I do my dear Trowa. He is the best person I've ever known.


End file.
